Before I Go
by catthegreat
Summary: Jean thinks of all the reasons he hates Eren.


**AN:**_ I accidentally started shipping this for real after writing 3 lives. Now I kind of have a problem...whoops. Anyway, this was a practice in present tense. I'm not sure if I like it too much, I tend to prefer sticking with past but oh well. This is set mid ch 53, just before Jean and Armin, disguised as Eren and Krista, are captured._

* * *

The color of his eyes was the first thing Jean noticed. Hell, it was the first thing anyone noticed. It was that they were just so _green _he didn't know what to look at when they focused on him like they are right now. He stutters out something angrily and glares at the spot just past the other soldier's right ear.

Of course he doesn't react well to that, and then they're at each other's throats and those fucking eyes are too close to him now. He's close enough he can feel the other's suicidal speech brush past his cheeks. And he won't follow the warmth to its source, he _won't_, because this is _Eren_ and he hates Eren.

Besides, the only reason he even followed the idiot with green eyes was because of Marco. If he didn't avenge Marco's death, then none of this was worth it.

So Jean backs away, and Eren doesn't even have time to hide his expression of surprise as Jean disappears.

Because no matter what anyone says, he isn't here out of choice, or honor, or some other bullshit. And none of the rest of them are either, the hypocrites. Maybe they're here because the second appearance of the Colossal Titan proved to them, once again, that mankind wasn't safe behind the walls. Or maybe it was having to watch their classmates get eaten in the battle of Trost. Either way, they all felt some kind of _obligation_ to follow the brunet who gave speeches about "what they owed humanity", and if any of them reach the age of 18, it'll be a miracle.

It's only a few hours later that Eren is taken back down to his cell. Jean tells himself he doesn't care, doesn't mind that the so-called savior of mankind, who was his rival back during training, is being treated like an animal now. But it doesn't quite work, and he still can't meet the other's eyes as he passes.

He's told, days later, that he has to be Eren again. He has to put on a wig and pretend he's 5 cm shorter than he really is, because no one will notice. The people after Eren don't even know enough about him to know his eyes are twice the size of Jeans and burn with passion whenever he speaks. And Jean will do it, because he doesn't care, he _doesn't, _about what these people do or don't know about someone that he still hates.

But as he stares at the wig in his hands and thinks about how it doesn't shine quite as brightly as it should, the other walks into his room, and he can no longer remember exactly how many freckles Marco had on his nose. Or if he even had any to begin with. Eren fidgets when he talks, and Jean is so distracted that he misses half of what the other says and has to ask him to repeat himself.

"I'm sorry you have to keep doing this. If it were up to me, I would go in there myself, but the Corporal won't let me." Eren stares at the floor as he talks, and Jean tries very hard to ignore the twinge in his stomach at the way the other says 'the Corporal'.

Any idiot with eyes could see how much the other cares about their captain. The way Eren would look at him, as if he were the only thing that mattered in the world, speaks volumes about how he views the other as more than just their commander. And the Corporal almost seems to take advantage of it, using Eren more often than anyone else to clean his precious room. One would almost think there was something between them.

But Jean isn't jealous, because that would mean he'd want the other to think about him _that way_, and he doesn't. Really.

Eren steps closer, fidgeting with the key he always wore around his neck, and it isn't cute. "It's gotta be hard pretending to be someone you hate, right?" He asks, and if Jean isn't mistaken, there's a sort of helplessness in his voice. But he has to be mistaken, because Eren may cry and scream, but he isn't _weak_, and that's one of the thousands of reasons Jean hates him so much.

He doesn't realize that he's been silent for nearly five minutes until Eren is backing out of the room. And panic rips through him, because even though every mission is dangerous, this one is _more_ than the rest, and he might never see Eren again. Jean loses control over his voice for a moment, and it's not him who yells for the other to wait; it's someone who possessed his body and stole his deepest, darkest thoughts.

He's standing, his arm outstretched to the other, and the dull wig is on the ground between them. Eren stops, but doesn't turn, and Jean stares at it instead of him. The demon must still be controlling him, because words slip out of his mouth, and they can't belong to him.

"I hate that you're always taking the burden on yourself. I hate that you act so cool, even though I know you aren't. I hate how you make everyone else look bad because you give these stupid speeches about killing titans and freeing mankind from the walls." Eren's looking at him with those wide, scared eyes, and Jean's walking before he can stop himself.

"I hate that look you get when you try to pretend you're not hurting, but I know you are. I hate how you blame yourself for every little thing. I hate how Armin looks at you like you're the answer to all the questions in the universe. I hate how Mikasa follows you without question, and you don't even care. I hate that you're the reason so many people died in Trost, but you're also the reason we were able to save so many more." Jean doesn't know why he's even allowing himself to say these things. It's like the small filter he had disappeared permanently, and now he's revealing his deepest, darkest secrets to the one person he can't stand above all else.

"But the thing I hate the most, Eren Jäger, is _you_." They're pressed against each other now, and Jean stares down at Eren, daring him to say something in return.

But Eren just looks back up at him, his eyes _shaking, _actually shaking, and Jean can't think anymore, so he does what any normal person would: he grabs the other by his collar and slams their lips together.

A thousand more things he hates about Eren flash through his mind. He hates Eren's stupid nickname for him. He hates how the other had no talents but still ranked higher than him when they graduated. He hates how calm Eren is in the face of certain death. He hates the way the other slammed him into a wall and shouted at him that first time they fought titans within the walls.

He growls at the last thought and pushes Eren roughly back into the door as payback. It shakes with their combined weight, and for a moment they have a break to breathe. Jean glares down at Eren, who's breathless and a little flushed from what they were doing, and thinks about how much he hates him. He hates Eren so much that if he never saw him again, his heart would break.

It's Eren who closes the distance this time, and it makes all the difference. There's less rage, and Jean feels himself relax into the other. He notices for the first time that there are fingers tangling in his hair, and realizes his own have been tracing circles into Eren's back. It reminds him so strongly of the kisses he shared with Marco that he breaks completely away.

He wipes the back of his hand across his mouth, as if to rid himself of the memories he didn't want to resurface and finds that he can't meet the other's eyes.

There's a rustling sound and he looks up involuntarily. Eren is readjusting his shirt, and the vulnerable expression on his face is something Jean adds to the list of things he hates.

Eren meets Jeans gaze and gives a half-smile that makes Jean's heart flip flop, and he finds he can't quite remember the color of Marco's eyes. There's an unspoken agreement that passes between them in that moment: 'I won't talk about it if you don't first', and Jean realizes the mistake he made in initiating the kiss in the first place.

The soft voice that belongs to Krista-Historia drifts down the hall to the room, calling out to Eren. The brunet turns the handle, and Jean resists the urge to ask him to stay. He has no right; if anyone's leaving, it's him.

Eren pauses before he steps out of the room. "You better come back, horse-face, because I won't have you ruining my reputation." And as he leaves, Jean knows that means he _cannot_ die, because Eren would never forgive him. He often forgets that Eren lost people too, and he wonders what the brunet would think if he woke up and heard that Jean hadn't made it back.

Rather than dwell on the thought, Jean grabs the wig and plays with it again. It's not as soft as Eren's hair was when it rubbed against his cheek. He puts it on and stares at himself in the mirror, trying to get it just right. It's strangely comforting, in its own way. The wig reminds him that he has a person to hate, that he has someone to return to, and he walks down the stairs.

Armin looks terrified, and it's only the expression on his face that differentiates him from Krista. They are so much more similar than him and Eren; if anyone makes this mission a success, it won't be Jean. Krista and Eren are standing together, watching them with matching expressions on their faces. Jean can't tell what they're thinking, and he almost stops to tell Eren how much he hates him again, but then Hanji comes between them, and he's shuffled out the door.


End file.
